You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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