I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
