That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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