i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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