I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
