Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
