i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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