Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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