hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
