she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
