She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
