Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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