I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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