I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
being pregnant is like rehab
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize