did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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