So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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