Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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