Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
