He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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