do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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