Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
