a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
