my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
