I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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