So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
