I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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