I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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