The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
