did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
