You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
