my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
