Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
