He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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