when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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