He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm both gender and math confused
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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