If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
