Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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