rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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