I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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