Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
