It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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