I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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