If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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