I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
