you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
