Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
