i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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