good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
