Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Randomize
