i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
