he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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