why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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