census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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