Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
