if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
