Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
